being alone

being (not) alone

Being alone is a sweet siren call.  Pottering about the house or taking long walks with the dog in windy weather is heavenly.  To curl up with a book and pretend to read when I know in a few minutes I will be blissfully aware of the comforting smell of the duvet, and shrug my shoulders in a happy squeeze as I decide what type of dream I will have.  

In a way I have become hyper aware of private time, which as a child was an endless summer of exploring, daydreaming and sleeping off hot summer afternoons.  As an only child, alone was normal, a necessity because all those moments spent alone with my horse, dog or simply wandering through the fields on our small Brisbane farm were the times when I knew myself absolutely, knew my exact position in the universe.  I can still remember numerous silent moments as I lay watching clouds, or staring into the murky creek water.  These were moments when I felt if I reached up, I could touch the clouds; moments when I was the clouds.

I don’t crave isolation because I carve it out of my working, home and parenting schedule.  It is much harder, I find, to allow time for being social.  After years of cyclical and typically introverted behavior, I have finally learned that balance is key.

Quite often, despite my need for being alone, I will begin to crave the company of friends, to feel loved and to give love.  It is a tough balance and to make a healthy introversion work, I need supportive friends.  Some less close friends my think I am eccentric, or even slightly neurotic.  Other friends who know me well realise my long absences are part of my constitution.  I love knowing they are somewhere out there in the world and if I need them they will be there. 

Teaching yoga has been a perfect career choice for me.  I find in the studio, there is a strong connection between us all.  Through our ujjayi breath, and our deep concentration, we become lovingly united.  In these beautiful moments, there exists such a profound gratitude and joy that sometimes can only be found in the union of people. It is in the silence that we can be our true selves.