I have high expectations of myself and I am by nature and through
habit, excessively self-critical. To admit weaknesses is to admit failure …
right? In fact, at the close of my Yoga graduation
ceremony I knew with all my heart that from that point forward I was expected to
keep my shit together whatever the
cost and at all times. I knew
this because I was told by my beloved teacher, Akash (not directly but explicitly
for me – see my vulnerable ego poking through), that lack of ego was just as
debilitating and damaging as a zealous ego.
Jeepers. That one hit me hard
because my fragile ego did not respond well to criticism – too raw, to exposed,
too weak, not good enough. But back then, when I was young (as in mid-thirties) I thought keeping my shit together
was maintaining my ego at a neutral level. Predictably and constantly, my guilt in not
being able to maintain neutrality threw me back into ego state. I’d be king of
the world with a class of 18 and then questioning my choice of career with a
class of one.
I knew however, through meditation practice and literature that
things were getting easier. That I could accept defeat and criticism. I really didn’t care if people liked or
disliked me. I knew that the students who needed me would find me – but surely
this is another ego state, one that justifies small class numbers or even large
for that matter. I had much work to do.
There is much talk about eliminating ego in yoga and
meditation. Much literature dedicated to
the way our neuropsychological processes respond and perceive stimuli. And most
people I know are aware that their thoughts are just thoughts, just perception
and no-one’s reality but their own. And as a yoga teacher I do have responsibility
to practice dispassion, to practice observation and not get caught in the
tempest of emotion. But I am human. I
have emotions. I can observe them until the cows come home until I crash and
burn;
What am I doing?
Can I do this?
Am I good enough?
It’s not rocket science, I am not saving lives.
What have I contributed to the world beyond the four walls of my
house?
and so, it goes.
And so it goes, due to an overwhelming sense of aloneness during
these times that I let myself suffer. Yet,
I am lucky as hardly a week goes by before I am rescued. Rescued by the
benevolence of others. It is a beautiful
word, Benevolence. Bene means well and Volens means wish. Benevolence is the kind
desire (in humans and animals) to alleviate the suffering of others.
My current lesson in ego is to reach out for help. It is not easy for me. I often feel like I was
born alone and lonely. When I crash, I habitually
retreat into myself. Thankfully though,
yoga has been the gift that keeps on giving.
My yogic principals have ingrained themselves in my children. We live a blessed and peaceful life. My
relationships are pure and shimmering. It has helped me to see the soul of my
husband. It has gifted me with precious friendships. And yesterday at the low ebb of my crash, during
a solitary walk that I ran into three hugs, two sets of loving words and a life-affirming
text message from my dear friend Laura.
Laura is an intelligent woman, a super fun friend and a
benevolent soul. Her benevolence is such a beautiful virtue. To feel so much
for others and give love without obligation.
What joy!
TF my mini crisis this week has been averted.
I come away with this; we can observe ourselves into freedom but
to share this freedom, to share affection, to be a friend to mankind, to express
the many facets of humanness. That is love, that is yoga.
 |
| My dear yogi sisters Australia |
 |
| Laura - love machine Ireland |
 |
| Rose - yanked me around yesterday, and i needed i. Ireland |
Comments
Post a Comment